


Insight

by LavworthMyWay



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: M/M, Piano, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 11:21:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5373464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LavworthMyWay/pseuds/LavworthMyWay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His hands glided over the keys, and for a moment Kaworu was worried if he could give Shinji the happiness he wished for him to have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Insight

The familiar tune of  _Ode to Joy_  reached Shinji's ears as he approached the grand piano. Sometimes, he wondered why Kaworu was so fond of that song.

 

"Good morning, Kaworu."

 

 The tune came to a halt as said male turned his head to face Shinji. A gentle smile graced Kaworu's face, pleased at the arrival of the other boy. "Good morning to you too, Shinji. How are you doing?"

 

 "I'm alright, I guess." Shinji shyly settled onto the bench, next to Kaworu. Truth be told, he was more than all right. Being stuck in NERV and denied knowledge of what happened these past 14 years left him feeling frustrated. Suffocated. Ignored.

 

Kaworu made him feel none of those. Playing the piano with him was what gave him reason to get out of bed every day since they met.

 

"Shinji?"

 

Kaworu's soft voice lured him back to reality. Shinji realised he was lost in thought. Cerulean eyes travelled up from the piano keys to meet concerned red ones, and it was then Shinji found out that Kaworu was leaning towards him. Taken by surprise, Shinji jerked back, letting out an undignified squawk. Such intimacy was unexpected (though Kaworu was always unpredictable, Shinji mused), but not unpleasant. Perhaps he was getting used to it. "N-Nothing! I'm fine. Just thinking."

 

Relief flickered in Kaworu's eyes and he leaned slightly back. With his personal space given back to him, Shinji let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "I see. I'm glad, then. Shall we begin?" His pale hands hovered over the piano keys, patiently waiting for a duet but ready for any sign of reluctance.

 

But Shinji wasn't going to turn down such an offer, not when it's from Kaworu. "Yeah." The brunette smiled, and the other returned it gratefully.

 

Slowly, they eased into the song, warming up their fingers as they press down onto the keys. Soft, musical notes echoed in the open space, intertwining with each other before dispersing into the open air as newer notes were added into the ongoing song.

 

Kaworu shut his eyes, contented, as he played the lovely melody he was so familiar with. During the time spent waiting for the boy he loved so dearly, he had plenty of time to spare on this musical instrument. As his fingers danced onto the keys, he recalled the times spent practising this piece and visualising how it would sound like when Shinji finally joined him in this  _quatre mains_.

 

Practising by himself and imagining Shinji playing next to him was one thing, however. Actually having this boy - this  _wonderful_  boy - seated next to him, giving it his all to play it was a whole new experience. It made his heart race, made it soar, made it beat with pure and absolute happiness.

 

If Ikari Shinji could give him so much happiness, Kaworu wanted to grant him as much, if not more, happiness as he had.

 

Peeling one eye open, Kaworu stole a glance at the other musician.

 

Shinji's gaze was fixated onto his hands as he focused solely on performing the piece to the best of his ability. Kaworu noted Shinji's fingers were shorter than his (not that they were any less beautiful), how they cradled the keys whenever his part reached a decrescendo, how they stretched over the keys for the arpeggios. Shinji was so gentle towards the piano, and to think that he described Kaworu as being gentle. As Kaworu played with more enthusiasm to match Shinji's fervour, he wished they had a cello. He would love to watch Shinji play it. He must have looked stunning.

 

Sadness suddenly clouded Kaworu as he wondered about how these hands were terribly misused to follow orders, how these hands were forced to be tainted with blood despite much reluctance to hurt others. Kaworu wished to pull Shinji away from his horrible fate and shield him from any harm. Few could see the beauty Shinji was capable of creating (he could still clearly remember that one time many loops ago, when he laced his own fingers with his and felt the comforting warmth of Shinji's hand), and instead many others forced him to do their bidding. Shinji might refuse, might object, and might even cry, but many others would still lash out at him -  _"You're a man, aren't you? Act like one!"_ \- and pushed him to his limits just to satisfy their own needs and attain their own goals.

 

_You must do this._

 

_Follow my orders._

 

_...Useless._

 

Kaworu felt his blood boil as he thought about the insults thrown at Shinji. His body burned at memories of the abuse, mental and physical, Shinji had to suffer. His fingers pressed a tad too hard onto the piano, overpowering Shinji's tune for a moment. Shinji's eyebrows furrowed at the sudden peak in volume but said nothing, and Kaworu mentally apologised as he toned it down.

 

His hands glided over the keys, and for a moment Kaworu was worried if he could give Shinji the happiness he wished for him to have.

 

He strived to be Shinji's haven and sanctuary. But was that the right thing to do? He would love nothing more than to hold Shinji in his arms and love him till the ends of time. But after countless loops and failed attempts to be the manifestation of his happiness only to result in his untimely death and Shinji's downward spiral to insanity, Kaworu came to a thought-stopping realisation: Shinji could not attain true happiness unless he's learnt to accept the world's flaws, and his own.

 

That was why, in this loop, he tried so hard to give Shinji freedom and guidance. To have him accept his mistakes and then aim to correct them in order to create a better world. Kaworu decided not to shield Shinji entirely, and only reveal the truth when Shinji asked. So far they're doing well, he reckoned. They started off slow, but that made Shinji more accepting towards him. Shinji enjoyed his company; his smiles sent his way were still shy but they're gradually growing warmer. Kaworu had a good feeling about this loop. Initially.

 

He's not so sure anymore.

 

Sure, he had been planning for this loop's success for more than a decade, but he knew how fast things could crumble into a gigantic mess with even the slightest mistake. And after so many failed loops, it's not doing any good to his ego.

 

How many times had he hurt Shinji?

 

How many more times was he going to leave Shinji?

 

How long more till he loses his mind between these endless timelines?

 

He couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

He couldn't take this anymore.

 

He should just-

 

"Kaworu?"

 

Upon hearing his name, Kaworu snapped back into reality. His vision came into focus and he was staring at his hands, which rested on the piano. He didn't realise he stopped playing.

 

"Kaworu?" The concerned voice called again and said male raised his head to face the source of the voice.

 

Shinji stared at him, increasing concern flooding his blue eyes. His body was tilted towards Kaworu; his hand hovered uncertainly between them as if contemplating whether to hold him. Initially, when Kaworu's playing faded, Shinji thought he played too slowly and Kaworu was merely waiting for him to catch up. But after a few seconds he noticed he wasn't going to pick up where he left off at all. So Shinji lifted his head to look at the albino, and he caught a troubled expression on Kaworu's face. It was a look Shinji was all too familiar with. One he'd seen many a time in the mirror.

 

He's not going to let Kaworu feel that way. An urge to reach out to Kaworu seized Shinji.

 

And so he did.

 

"Are you okay?"

 

Kaworu nodded. "I am. Sorry to have worried you, Shinji. I was just lost in thought." Technically, it wasn't a lie. He would never lie to Shinji.

 

Unconvinced, Shinji pressed on. "If there's anything troubling you, I'm here." A reassuring smile tugged at his lips. He might not be the best person to comfort someone, but he'll try his best.

 

Touched, Kaworu beamed. "Thank you, Shinji." It was an offer hard to resist, with Shinji looking at him so earnestly. Should he confide in him, after all? He had to be sure, right? That he was doing the right thing for Shinji?

 

"Then, may I ask you something?" Kaworu started, hands lifting off the piano to rest on his lap.

 

"Y-Yeah."

 

A deep inhale. "Shinji, are you happy with me?"

 

Shinji blinked, not expecting that question. For a moment, he was at loss of words. "Wha - Why are you asking this?"

 

"Because I need to know." Came the reply. Shinji suspected it sounded almost like a plea.

 

Rubbing the back of his neck, Shinji struggled to come up with a good response. Of course he was happy. Ever since arriving at NERV, he was happiest with Kaworu. With all these mess going on - Misato putting the DSS Choker on him, Asuka treating him with so much malice, Ayanami no longer acting like the one he knew, and his father acting more distant than he already was - Kaworu was his sole, steady pillar of support. He was his lighthouse, and Shinji desperately clung onto him. But that wasn't a good enough answer. He knew that wasn't the answer Kaworu desired.

 

He sat up straighter as he prepared to give Kaworu his response. Kaworu waited with bated breath, heart thumping painfully against his chest.

 

"Right now, I'm not sure what true happiness is. I'm not even sure if I'll get to experience it. But with you, for the first time in so long, I felt at ease. With you, I feel like I can be myself without worrying that you'd expect something from me. I can trust you, Kaworu, and I don't know what I'll do without you. But, I know I can't rely on you forever, because you believe that I can stand up for myself, and I believe in you. So, with you, I feel like I can do anything. We may face a lot of troubles later on and I may get hurt-" Kaworu inwardly winced, but Shinji smiled. "-But I know you'll want me to get back up. Not for anyone, but for myself. That makes me relieved, somehow, since everyone else wants me to get back up so I can resume following their orders, but you wouldn't. I can't say if that can be called 'happiness', but it's the closest to happiness I've ever felt."

 

Once he finished, Shinji glanced at Kaworu, anxious.

 

A slow ache burned in Kaworu's heart as the words sunk in. To actually hear it for him...

 

As the silence stretched, Shinji grew more flustered. He wondered if he said something wrong. But before he could break the silence Kaworu did it first.

 

"...Even if you might get hurt, you're happy with me?" Kaworu's question was barely above a whisper. Afraid, he was afraid.

 

_(Of what?)_

 

_(Everything.)_

 

A nagging suspicion at the back of Shinji's mind told him this was probably the core of Kaworu's worries.

 

A warm smile settled onto Shinji's lips and he nodded.

 

The ache in Kaworu's heart flared uncontrollably. A ragged sob escaped his lips. His eyes burned.

 

"K-Kaworu?" Shinji's heart stopped. Had he hurt Kaworu? He didn't offend him, did he?

 

Those thoughts were diminished as quick as they came when Kaworu leaned into him and threw his arms around him. Dropping his composure completely, Kaworu thoughtlessly burrowed his head into the crook of Shinji's neck, earning a surprised yelp from the other. Shinji was so warm. Kaworu never wanted to let go.

 

"Thank you, Shinji." He murmured. He then craned his neck up to smile at Shinji, the boy he loved unconditionally. To hear that this boy - so awfully damaged from the hurt inflicted upon by those around him all his life - was still willing to be with him made him so, so happy. Kaworu didn't dare to wish for anything more. His resolve thus strengthened and Kaworu was absolutely convinced he could grant Shinji happiness this time round. He  _must_.

 

The worry in Shinji's eyes ebbed away when he noticed the contented smile grazing Kaworu's pale lips. And so he returned a similar smile, one he could give from the bottom of his heart. For the boy he was very much possibly growing to love.

 

Ikari Shinji was the most beautiful being in existence and no one could tell Kaworu otherwise.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I guess everybody finds love in the end.
> 
> I wasn't too sure where this was heading. I just wanted Kaworu to mule over his repeated attempts to give Shinji happiness, and I ended up with this.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like it. My first Kawoshin fanfiction.


End file.
